Chapter 1 page 4

“Pardon?”

“You said Jack, my name is Jonathan. If we knew each other better maybe Jon.  And under no circumstances Jonno.”

“Sorry if you head Jack, but I said your name.  I said Jonathan.  Are you alright?”

“I’m fine!” I don’t think I am fine at all but I am not about to let this hack know that.  “I must have just forgotten that it was you. You remember something for one way for so long it shakes you up a little bit when you actually remember what happened.  So we were talking about professionalism?”

“You were awhile ago, yes.”

“Right I’m a professional.  I do my job and I do it well.  In fact well is defined by my actions.   I never do anything wrong.  I am a perfectionist in my cab.  It’s like my sanctuary or inner sanctum.  The universe flows through me as I work there and there is no interrupting that flow.” A little mystical but this should through him off the fact that I am feeling severely disorientated.

“That sounds incredibly profound.  Yet even with all that, if you were with a score of one hundred you would not be in my office.  So Mister Winter sit down, cut the crap, and be honest with me and tell me what happened that night.”

When did this guy grow a pair.  Harmless practitioner to the prosecution in a matter of seconds.  I might have to actually play ball with this guy, instead of just coasting through these sessions. Well as the old saying goes the truth will set you free.

“We were late thats all it was.  It is always about time.”

“Were you late getting there? Or were you late getting to the hospital?”

“I thought you read the incident report? Thats basic information, you can find it in the file. Aren’t you supposed to be asking me questions about how I feel?”

“I just wanted to here it in your own words.  I am fully aware of what the report says. Oh, being late how did that make you feel?”

This guys character seems to change on me every few seconds. I must not have read him right at all at first.  This sarcasm and attitude of assertiveness makes him sound like my old college roommate.

“I’m stating to feel like I underestimated you.”

“You would be surprised how many of your co-workers have.”

“We were late both ways. We were to late getting there.  When we got there she was a mess.  There was only one cop car there I thought there would have been more for how late we were. We were late on the way back because we kept getting rerouted. 

Chapter 1 page 3

the list along with tired and angry. You would almost think I was drugged the way that I have been feeling in this office. 

“Just because it seems familiar doesn’t mean that it meant anything.  It could have been deja vu for all I know.”

“You seem to be agitated over this line of thought. Lets go back to what you were saying about being a professional.  We will just say that this was a little rabbit trail that I accidently took you on. Now as you were saying you are a professional…”

Why does it seem to unnerve me just a little bit every time he switches from being inquisitive to being a calming influence.  The annoying thing is switching it back to what I was talking about does calm me down.  Well until I notice him scribbling notes in his little yellow pad. I wonder if paced around if I would be able to see what he is writing down.  That pen though… such an odd shade of red.  Just like the woman’s lips.  I seem to be fixated on her lately.  I should try to look her up later.  I’m sure the professional indiscretion has well passed. Maybe the Doc here knows.

“Who was the entrance examiner?”

“Pardon,  I thought we were going to talk about you being a professional.  That question hardly seems to be professional.”

“It’s a simple question.  I just want to know her name.”

“Her?”

“Yes.  The woman who did my entrance evaluation.  From five years ago.  She had a similar job to you, making sure I’m not crazy.”

“I don’t believe your crazy. But I can guarantee that it was not a woman who interviewed you. Look right here under your name is the person who evaluated you.”

Twain hands the file over to me.  His middle finger pointing at the name he wants me to see.  As I take the file from him I slowly read to that point to make sure he doesn’t have the wrong file.  It’s mine, and right at the evaluator's spot is the name Dr. Samuel Twain.

“Thats your name?” I manage to stutter out, confused the most I have ever been.  

“I know it is. I know my physique isn’t entirely as good as it used to be but I can guarantee the last time I saw you I was not a woman.”

“I have never met you before today.” Even as I say this its like the memories are shifting in my mind.  Where there once was the blonde in my mind now sits Dr. Twain.  I think I might need therapy just for that mental switch.  

“Jack what’s going on?”

“Jonathan.”

Chapter 1 page 2

“You think very highly of yourself.”

“This isn’t an ego thing.  I graduated top in my class. I actually had this job before I had even completed the final.  Thats not exactly usual routine.  And in the last five years no one has died in my cab.  They all made it to the emergency room in time. Whatever happened then was on the attending Doctor and physician.”

“You seem to have changed some in the last five years.”

“What do you mean?” I know this guy isn’t the person who gave me my entrance evaluation.  She was hotter, and a she. Definitely a long way from Doctor Twain here.  He doesn’t look like he has been to gym in years, probably hasn’t even used the stairs in just as long.  It looks like he enjoys his therapist chair as slouched down into it as he is.  The entrance examination was done by this beautiful blonde with dark red lips. Wait she wasn’t blonde who is that blonde?

“Your file it listed you as having a slight messiah complex.  People like that tend to stay with their patients till they know they are okay.  What you are describing sounds a little more narcissistic.  The whole drop and go method.  Working as if you were racking up some points in a game. So I would say you have changed.  I would also maintain my first comment, you think very highly of yourself.”

I know what narcissist means you pompous beady eyed phony. I am closer to being a real doctor than you are. Why am I so angry lately? I just want to lash out.

“Things change.” I snap, just enough to let him know I don’t appreciate his conjectures.  “It doesn’t mean I don’t care any less. There was a time when I would be the vigilant watcher of those I brought in.  But in this city it starts being all the same. Drug addicts, gang violence, a hooker having a rough night.  They don’t need me to hold their hand.  I’ll save my compassion for those who deserve it, and I will be all the more professional in my job because of it.”

“So you save your compassion for, say, I don’t know a sixteen year old rape victim?”

Why would he ask me that? “Is that one of my old cases? There are a lot of rides in five years, especially when you throw in the double or triple shifts.”

“No this I don’t believe it is one of your cases. I didn’t look that in depth to what you have dealt with in the pass.  Just this case.  Why does it sound familiar?”

He’s right it does sound familiar.  Though it could have just been last nights movie of the week.  Great add confused to 

Chapter 1 page 1

“Who is the monster?”

“I am”

I don’t know what I’m saying.  I have never been good at this psychiatry crap.  I never understood the point of these sessions.  Every time someone passes in your cab you have to attend six of these psychiatric sessions, just to make sure you are all right in the head.  It seems so ridiculous to me.  I don’t think I have even heard of an ambulance medic going crazy because they lost someone.  At worst they just quit and become an alcoholic. These sessions are just pretentious nonsense so that the higher ups can cover their butts incase anyone sues.  A sad truth that happens all to often.  Thank you McDonald’s for caving on that hot coffee law suit.  You have effectively made everyone else’s life miserable.

“Jonathan, you seem distracted.  What is on your mind, these sessions are just as much for you as they are for what you went through.”

“Doctor Twain.” What is he, a doctor? I really should have checked out this guys credentials.  Kind of weird that I would get half way through the first session before I would even think of that. He hasn’t responded negatively I must be right about him being a doctor. “Doctor,” I turn to face him directly trying to look a little bit intimidating, in reality I am just tired of laying on this couch. Heck I think I am just plain tired. “it was never exactly my plan to be here, essentially ever…”

“No one ever wants to lose a patient.  I mean that no one does.  It honestly feels like you just killed someone.  Even soldiers don’t get used to that feeling. It actually amazes me that so many doctors are willing to perform abortions, I guess they just don’t think of that fetus as a patient.”

Great now this guy is going political on me.  If I ever have to go through one of these things again I am doing a thorough background check. I might as well enjoy who ever I have to listen to prattle on.

“Sorry I don’t mean to get political on you”; Now that is just a little bit creepy.  “I just want to make sure that you do not see this as your fault”

“When I said that that I never expected to be here, I meant professionally.”

“How so? Aren’t you here because of a work requirement?”

“Yes this is a requirement for all ambulance workers that have a dead on arrival.  But I meant because I am a professional.  I am the best rider in the city.”